Dear Mr. Jesus H. Christ
A letter from the Christian Coalition to the Son of God
By David G. Allan
Editor’s note: This story was originally published in 1995 in The Diamondback, the daily newspaper of the University of Maryland, College Park. The opinions, dated cultural references and poor grammar expressed here do not necessarily reflect the writer’s current opinions, knowledge and journalistic skill. You can sign up for David’s current CNN column, The Wisdom Project, here: https://tinyletter.com/wisdomproject
Dear Mr. Jesus H. Christ,
Having carefully reviewed your application to the Christian Coalition, we have decided to deny your membership at this time.
This is a very special and exciting time for our organization and the number of membership requests has soared higher than the Tower of Babel. As a result, we have become very selective about whom we allow to join and represent the Coalition.
Our organization is fast becoming a powerful political operation. Our profits are multiplying like loaves and fishes. Consequently, we must remain focused and unwavering in our dangerously zealous goals. And frankly Mr. Christ, you are not our kind of person.
From the information we have gathered in our standard background check, it appears your behavior and professed beliefs are not in agreement with the Christian Coalition’s political agenda at all.
First, let me say that you have not been rejected because you have a middle-to-low income trade-skill job as a carpenter. As long as you continuously support our campaign and contribute to our $25 million annual budget, your salary will not disqualify you.
We also understand you are Jewish. While this would not necessarily disqualify you either, it may interfere with your support of our campaign to bring Christian values into our public schools and in political decision-making.
No, I am afraid we have uncovered more serious problems in your personal behavior and beliefs, Mr. Christ. It seems as though you are a bit of an iconoclast, a troublemaker. Openly questioning authority is something we cannot encourage in our organization. It has been our experience that free thinking only leads to further problems. Our supporters are, as that commie rag The Washington Post described, “uneducated and easy to command.”
You have already demonstrated that you are unwilling to give blind devotion to those laws and practices you believe are unjust. While in our hierarchy, such mindless dedication is considered an asset. And we do not tolerate disobedience, civil or otherwise.
We think of our 1.6 million members as soldiers fighting against the evils of liberalism, equal rights and multiculturalism. And soldiers should obey orders and always follow their leader, supporting our decisions even when they seem flawed or malevolent.
So, when we attack the liberal media, Hollywood or funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, we expect you to attack it, too. When we oppose homosexual marriages and gay couples adopting children, we expect you to condemn it as well. And when we campaign against abortion but also fight to stop high school condom distribution and sex education classes, we expect you to believe that our policy makes complete sense.
On the issue of family values, which we believe is one of the most important and substantial political matters of our time, it is unclear where you stand. You have no family of your own, and it seems that you keep company with a former prostitute.
We also know that most of your closest friends are single men that you live with. This is behavior we would call questionable. Even the appearance of homosexuality and other such perversion is frowned upon by our organization.
As for your position on abortion, we are also in the dark. We assume you believe, as we do, that woman should not be trusted with bodily autonomy in these matters. But where do you stand on the more controversial issue of unintentional pregnancy such as in cases of rape, incest and immaculate conception?
Perhaps the greatest obstacle to your acceptance into the Coalition is your professed position on welfare for the poor and destitute. You have foolishly advocated and practiced assistance and compassion for the poor. This is a complete contrast to our position. We believe the best way to help the poor is by helping them less.
While you would coddle and throw charity at the poor, we know the real problem is their deafness to the word of God and the power of money — a maxim that speaks to the soul of the Christian Coalition.
On one hand, we want as many supporters as we can get. Already we have more than 1,600 county chapters and influence over the Republican parties in 31 states. But on the other hand, keeping all these folks on the same track is nearly as difficult as as walking on water. Having individuals like yourself in the organization could take us in the wrong direction. The truth is, Mr. Christ, you are too much of a radical — in the most unfortunate, liberal, peace-loving, bleeding-heart sense of the word. We wish you the best, though, and may God bless you and help you find the way.