What Happened In My Dreams
I’ve kept a dream journal since I was 15 years old. After rereading them, I compiled the highlights of these nighttime adventures, many involving celebrities. Those lists are below.
I also wrote about the other joys of recording your dreams for CNN, here.
Quick, to the Time Machine!
I was attacked by hippos and a dinosaur and rescued by a man in in old-timey diving suit * I was a knight, rescuing a princess, but first had to defeat my enemy, an armored pig * I went to high school in the 1800s, with Hulk Hogan, during which I attended Gen. Robert E. Lee’s funeral * Witnessed the murder of Geronimo * Tried to solve the first murder in Los Angeles * Nazis chased me around a hotel during a formal Valentine’s event in the ballroom at which I hid among the guests * Harassed by cops along with fellow Black actors in the segregated South * Saw G.I. Joe arrested for failing to end the Korean War * Served in the military with Forrest Gump
School Ties
I was a student where John Ritter was a teacher * Kevin Costner was my art teacher in a school where I helped stop bullies, including Ben Affleck * In high school with Paul Rudd * In college with Monica Lewinsky * And Ashton Kutcher * And Chris Rock * Sam Neill was my college professor * So was John Hurt * And Sen. John Edwards * And John McCain (2x), once teaching math * Jerry Seinfeld taught my philosophy course * I chaperoned a field trip along with the dean of my high school, John Krasinski * Bill Hader and I talked to school kids * I taught at a school where Alan Rickman was the principal and John Cusack was a fellow teacher
Mi Familia
Frances McDormand was my mom * So was Shelley Long * Harrison Ford was my dad (more than once) * So was Ed Harris * And David Letterman * And John Lithgow, but he was mentally unstable * And President Bill Clinton, for whom I worked as an advisor * And Darth Vader, who was in the hospital Bill Paxton was my brother * Same for Tim Riggins [the character on “Friday Night Lights”] who was a bad influence on [my real daughter] Alice, who had started smoking * Donald Sutherland was my grandfather * George W. Bush was my brother-in-law * I called Chevy Chase, also my brother-in-law, an “asshole” * Donald Trump was my father-in-law and I was happy when he died but didn’t want to express that in front of the others * I made out with Claire Danes * And Martha Plympton * Went on a date with Mary Stuart Masterson * Went all the way with Patricia Arquette * And Nicole Kidman * And Christina Applegate, in a public place * My girlfriend was cheating on me with Luciano Pavarotti * I was engaged to Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in “Sex in the City” * I married into the British royal family and talked to my mother-in-law (Queen Elizabeth, who appeared as Katherine Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine alternately) while she took a regenerative bath in quicksand * I was married to Kathleen Turner * And Meg Ryan * And married to Nicole Kidman at a time that I was also doing parkour * Nicole Kidman and I had a baby that looked like a gray colored baby Yoda * [Real wife] Kate was a surrogate mother for Tom Cruise * And for Burt Reynolds * I was pregnant, as a man * John Cleese flirted with Kate * Kate and I had an open marriage which allowed Sean Penn to sleep with her * I cheated on Kate with Alyssa Milano * I had an affair with Christopher Reeve’s wife * And an affair with one of the “Desperate Housewives,” though I couldn’t tell you which
In a Galaxy Far, Far Away…
I played Han Solo in “Hamlet,” using a script made out of graham crackers * I was murdered by a man in a Darth Vader mask * I was a Jedi, attacking Darth Vader * I was inside an AT-AT * Stuck in a video game with Luke Skywalker * George Lucas was about to tell me the meaning of life [before I woke up] * A new Sith Lord chased me around the Death Star * Competed with Aziz Ansari for a part in a new Star Wars movie * Russell Brand and I were in a new Star Wars movie together * Arranged for Chewbacca to be interviewed at CNN * Was a Jedi rescuing baby Yoda * Stuck on a powerless ship, in a Star Wars movie * In an amusement park, dressed as a stormtrooper * An actual stormtrooper and I grazed Princess Leia with a shot from my blaster
Live, From New York…
I met Lorne Michaels after I stopped a guy from interrupting comedian Steven Wright’s routine in Michaels’ club * I fetched coffee for Eddie Murphy as an intern on “Saturday Night Live” * Went on an audition with Kenan Thompson * In an SNL skit with Bill Hader as Atticus Finch * Chloe Fineman and I were in a skit poking fun at the origin stories of famous businesses * In a restaurant skit with Fred Armisen * Prepped for my role in The Californians sketch * Hosted SNL (x2) * Hosted SNL (three timer club, I guess) and talked mostly to Cecily Strong * Performed on SNL (x2) * Cast member Melissa Villasenor and I cracked each other up * I also cracked up Maya Rudolf * Got a high five from Maya Rudolph after wrapping on the show * Hung out with fellow cast members Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch and Horatio Sanz * Hung out with old cast members, including Jane Curtin, while us newer cast performed their favorite skits * Talked about classic SNL skits with Harry Shearer and Martin Short * At a restaurant with Lorne Michaels and excited to tell him how I was compiling moments from my dream journals into themes [as you are now reading], one of which was “Saturday Night Live” and unimpressed he left soon after without saying goodbye
Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You
I was an assistant to FDR * Tried to have sex with Kate on the roof of the White House while Jimmy Carter was walking the grounds * Ronald Reagan gave a speech on human rights dressed as a Native American: braids, beads, feathered headband, the whole thing * I was fired from my White House internship by Bill Clinton himself * Worked for Bill Clinton * An intern for George Stephanopoulos * Worked for George Stephanopoulos * I was a speech writer for Elizabeth Edwards * And Al Gore Jr., whose speech was about free college tuition * Interviewed Dick Cheney * Sued Dick Cheney for IP theft * Chased Barack Obama * Was a staffer in the Obama White House * Obama gave me a gift: a print out of a 1992 email written by Bill Clinton about his travel recommendations * Watched basketball with Obama and met Sasha and Malia * Hung out with Obama in a home movie shot by Secretary of State John Kerry * Hung out with Hillary Clinton * I was part of Hillary’s entourage and had to stop her assassination * Walking with Hillary, whose campaign I’m working on, while Queen’s ”You’re My Best friend” played * Attended Hillary’s inauguration [in the year 2000], to which she wore a wedding dress * Worked for Donald Trump * Gave Lindsey Graham shit, to his face, for supporting Trump * In a torrent of expletives, I told Donald Trump what I really thought of him * Talked to Joe Biden on an Amtrak train * I gave an extemporaneous speech that made Prime Minister Justin Trudeau cry; Pete Buttigieg was there to witness it * Am close friends with Joe and Jill Biden * Biden called me to talk about one of my stories * The US Capitol building flew around on rocket boosters * I try to stop an assassination plot against First Lady Melania Trump by Steve Bannon and her husband * As the newly elected president, I was about to go on “Saturday Night Live,” and Bob Woodward was with me and looked nervous
It’s a Living
Roy Schneider interviewed me, for something * Bradley Whitford was my boss * Craig Ferguson was my boss, at a Brooklyn café * I led a group whose purpose was unclear, but it included David Sedaris * I worked at Disneyland * And at a newspaper where Paul Reiser was an editor * Soon after Jeff Zucker quit CNN he tried to lick my neck at a party * I interviewed Brad Pitt * And Tom Hanks * And Sarah Silverman while we sat on a rock, by a brook, in the woods * On a work call with David Byrne * Martin Sheen and I worked in an office together and fought sometimes * Denzel Washington was my partner and we are cops * Morgan Freeman was my partner and we were homicide detectives * George Clooney and I were cops and I pursued a gang that included Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I shot * Anthony Hopkins and I were cops and he had a pet sloth that wasn’t potty trained * I participated in a sleep study, along with Mark Ruffalo, administered by Ethan Hawke * Robert Downey Jr., Sean Connery and I were all priests * I was a secret agent, protecting an Indian maharajah * Worked for Madeline Albright, as a spy * Tom Cruise and I were spies together * Same for George Clooney * I joined Laird Hamilton’s surfing crew * I was a guitarist a famous band as we recorded our last album * I was part of a medical team examining Spock’s brain * I was a superhero and a group of us were led by Adam West’s Batman * I was a superhero with the power to control electricity * I was Indiana Jones, stuck on an amusement park ride * I was an Olympic runner * I was an assassin * I was Bond, James Bond * I was…the Bat Man
Let’s Make a Motion Pictcha!
I talked to Dan Aykroyd about making a “Ghostbusters” prequel * Steve Buscemi refused to be in the film I just wrote * Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman helped me shop out my screenplay * Successfully pitched a script to Kate Winslet * Making a movie with Owen Wilson * Acting in a movie with Jeff Bridges * In a deleted scene from “The Karate Kid,” I played a referee of a fight between Daniel and Johnny, on a suburban lawn * Ally Sheedy and I were in an ’80s movie together and it was rumored we were romantically linked * I flirt with another actor in a movie with me: Katy Perry * In a war movie with Mickey Rooney * I was in “The Godfather” with Harrison Ford and we had three directors: George Lucas, Martin Scorsese and Francis Ford Coppola * I was in a film adaptation of “The Six Million Dollar Man” * In drag with Dustin Hoffman for a movie we were doing together * In the film “The Talented Mr. Ripley” with Matt Damon, Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow * Starred in “Hangover 2” with Zach Galifianakis and the Bradley Cooper * While on a film set with Amy Adams, I punched Bradley Cooper, and Christian Bale threatened me * Starred in a remake of “The Wizard of Oz,” with Amy Schumer * I played Fred Rogers in a movie * Hung out with my friend Seth Rogan on the set of the zombie movie we were in * Cut myself with a knife because my director, Lena Dunham, wanted me to for a movie * I starred in a [non-existent] film titled “Children of God” [though that is the name of the cult River and Joaquin and the rest of the Phoenix family were in when the children were little] in which a bald Kevin Spacey is the villain [like in “Superman Returns,” and like in real life]
More Business of Show
I tried out for a stage play version of “The Brady Bunch” * I was in a staged production of “The Wizard of Oz,” directed by Jerry Lewis * I started a local San Francisco television show and interviewed Burt Reynolds on it * Starred in a 1980s animated cartoon with O.J. Simpson, who was also my roommate * Teased Eddie Murphy about his career * Dressed as an ’80s rapper on a new show with Jim Carrey and Ricky Gervais * Talked to Christian Bale about doing a reboot of the Irish television show “Father Ted” * Offered a job by Spike Lee * On the debate stage with Steven Spielberg * Mel Gibson chased me in a scene filmed during my acting internship * I was one of Billy Crystal’s managers * Noah Wiley was my acting coach * I was on the show “The West Wing” and Martin Sheen said I was his favorite * Starred on the show “90210” * I was chosen to host a talk show called “The Truman Show,” inspired by the film * I teased Alec Baldwin about not doing Jack Ryan sequels * In the cast of “Friends” * I was hired to remake “Friends,” but in Russia or Japan * I tried to get John Stewart to hire me for “The Daily Show” by name dropping that John Kerry was my father-in-law * On a sketch show with Stephen Colbert * Starred in “Entourage” with my friend Kevin Dillon * My agent was Ari [Jeremy Piven] from “Entourage” * Idris Elba welcomed me to the Emmy Awards * Hosted the Oscars with Hugh Jackman who tried to help me as I bombed * Tracy Morgan and I worked at the BBC together and Alec Baldwin was our boss * Talked show biz with Sean Hayes * Was Russell Brand’s assistant * Did a reccuring comedy bit with my comedy partner in which we read headlines from the newspaper, in Irish accents * On the show “Parenthood,” as a Braverman * I worked at a production company run by actor Kumail Nanjiani * John Travolta complained about being in a CNN video I was producing * I disappointed Dax Shepard when I wouldn’t commit to being in his commercial…for lima beans
A Slippery Slope
I stole candy from Andy Warhol * Was arrested for stealing “ideas,” my jailer was Geoffrey Rush * I was a receptionist to a mob boss named Juan Calzone * Was mixed up in an Asian mob * I was a 1940s fedora-wearing criminal who only robbed other mobsters (a la Omar Little in “The Wire”) * Stole from Conan O’Brien’s bodega * Stole Sean Penn’s motorcycle * Beat up Denis Leary and, because of it, earned his respect * Robbed banks with Danny DeVito * After robbing a bank I was pursued by a cop: the actor Max von Sydow * Ashton Kutcher and I were running from the law together * I was part of a gang of burglars, our leader was a young Martin Sheen * As I was en route to prison, Willie Nelson gave me advice about the virtues of time spent in jail * I worked for but then ultimately sabotaged a mad man’s plot to bomb a school * I put a gun to Paul Giamatti’s head and threatened to kill him for robbing me * Tried to kill Anthony Hopkins * Shot Jeff Garland and Albert Brooks in the head during a gun battle * Tried to assassinate the Speaker of the House, Kevin Costner * Murdered Alan Alda * I was a super villain, falsely accused of killing Batman
Pleased to Meet You
Was at a dinner party with Sean Hannity * Met John Goodman * And Warren Beatty * And Forrest Gump * And Monica Lewinsky * Carrie Fisher too, at a party * And Drew Carey, after a sex party * I attended a party where you had to pretend to be a fictional character and I was in character as Henry Jones Jr., seeker of rare antiques, when I met Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher * Talked to Cuba Gooding Jr. * And Brian Cox * And Jamie Oliver, about Joseph Campbell and myths * Told Quentin Tarantino I was a fan of his novel “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” * Idris Elba came over to my place to buy something * Danny Bonaduce offered me a sip of his orange juice * I was invited to Buckingham Palace by Queen Elizabeth
How’s it Hangin’?
Bill Murray was just hanging out in my kitchen * Hung out with Shannon Doherty * And Leonardo DiCaprio * Ed Burns * Peter Krause * Molly Ringwald * Aziz Ansari * Francis Ford Coppola * Parker Posey * Harrison Ford * Bill Clinton * Bill Clinton again, with George W. Bush * Jason Bateman (x2) * Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers * Jimmy Stewart and Gregory Peck * Ed Begley Junior and Louisa Louie-Dreyfus * Harry Shearer and Martin Short * Jack Nicholson, in a huge LA mansion * Joe Smith, the basketball player and Jim Carroll, the poet and author of “The Basketball Diaries” * Was hanging out with Kevin Bacon and Kira Sedgwick just as the latter disappeared * Hung out with Kelsey Grammer, Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy * And a young Paul Newman * Kate’s best friend, Sandra Oh * John Hurt, who was Matthew Broderick’s dad * With Jake Gyllenhaal, and we talked about “Donnie Darko” * Another time with Aziz Ansari and this time we were being funny * In an amusement park, hanging out again with Harrison Ford, just after Sigourney Weaver and I were hitting on each other * On a train with Ewan McGregor, who turned into Bill Clinton before we chatted * Mingled with the cast of “Friends,” along with Bill Murray again, while I was wearing a “Ghostbusters” costume * Discussed movies with Will Smith * Talked to Martin Sheen about his role playing homeless rights advocate Mitch Snyder in a [real] made-for-TV role * Ethan Hawke and I talked about the American Transcendentalists * Had dinner with Adam Sandler * And Stephen Colbert * And at Paula Poundstone’s house * Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher also had me over for dinner * I went on a run with Dan Aykroyd * Discussed writing with William Safire * Watched TV and chatted with Frances McDormand * Watched a movie with Joe Pesci * Went to the movies with Sigourney Weaver * Watched a movie with Al Gore, in a saloon * Got coffee with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Jimmy Fallon * Flirted with Kristen Stewart * And Kristen Bell Peter Jennings came by to my birthday party * Played in a playground with Parker Posey * Took a bus trip with John Turturro * Invited to sleep over at a friends’ house along with David Byrne * Attended a funeral with Ashley Judd * Got high with Bill Keller of the New York Times * Got high with The Monkees’ Davy Jones * Andy Samberg and I got high, with the Hells Angels
My Celebrity Friends
I was friendly with Bradley Cooper, who led my yoga retreat * Neighbors with Paul Newman and Peter Fonda * And with Peter Jennings * Accidently showed up at my neighbor’s house naked, and my neighbor was Adam Sandler * Jim Carrey was my roommate * Stayed at Axl Rose’s farmhouse * Friends with Shirley MacLaine * And Jack Black * Roseanne Barr * Matt Lauer * Gary Shandling, Brad Bird and Jim Neighbors, all together * John Stamos, since college * Michael Rappaport, from when he was in “True Romance” * I played cards with my friend Paul Rudd and we talked about “Anchorman” * I was very close friends with William Shatner * With my dear friend, Ellen DeGeneres, I talked about her running for president * I teased my good friend, Jason Bateman * I cheered up my pal Dr. Sanjay Gupta * I made my close friend John Hamm cry after we got in a big fight * My friend since childhood, Mark Wahlberg, was excited to tell me about his new fast food restaurant chain * While at a college reunion James McAvoy and I became friends * Eric LaSalle got me into an exclusive club * Eric LaSalle and I went on vacation together * Went on a double date, to the theater, with Warren Beatty * Out drinking with Rashida Jones * Got drunk with Allen Ginsberg and Neal Cassidy * Was the first to congratulate my friends, and Scrooged” stars, Bill Murray and Karen Allen at their wedding * Played a game with Ben Affleck and other friends in which we decide which city was most like our personality and I chose Boston; Brad Pitt confided to me he was balding * Keanu Reeves and I went surfing * Billy Crystal threw me a party * Bernie Mac helped me move * Drove into the desert with Shirley MacLaine * Drove cross country with Jodie Foster * Spent Christmas with Crispin Glover * Planned a double family vacation with Jerry Seinfeld * I was the Best Man at Robert Redford’s wedding
The Trouble With Celebrities
Brad Pitt, my office coworker, made fun of my clothes * Octavia Spencer smeared the drawing I made in my journal, with her tears * Jordan Peele didn’t give me a promised ride to the airport and I missed my flight * Stephen Colbert showed me a robe Betty White stole from a Bangkok hotel * Christian Bale broke our toaster during a snowball fight inside our apartment * Talked to an angry Mel Gibson on the phone * In a taxi with an angry Ethan Hawke who exposed himself to the driver * Used parkour to escape Sean Hayes * Bullied by two actors in the same film as me: Donald Sutherland and Jack Nicholson * I was chased by Morgan Freeman. * And William Shatner * I witnessed Michael B. Jordan punch a guy in the face * In a fist fight with Michael Ian Black * Fight with Jason Schwartzman in Jerry Seinfeld’s car * In a violent and prolonged fist fight with Mark Wahlberg * Stopped a fight between Nick Nolte and Willem DaFoe, with the latter kicking me as a tried * Drugged by Jimmy Kimmel * I beat up Tom Cruise after he tried to kidnap me * Played a deadly game of tag with Forest Whitaker * Chased by my nemesis, Burt Reynolds, who intended to kill me * Dave Chapelle also tried to kill me * And Joaquin Phoenix * In jail with Anthony Edwards * In a knife fight with John Goodman * In a gun fight with the cast of “Entourage” * I stopped Helen Mirren, a spy, from her mission to kill my dad * I tracked down Natalie Portman’s killer: Philip Seymour Hoffman * Roger Moore and I tried to help a woman being chased by Jack Nicholson * I confronted bank robbers disguised as Sean Penn and Madonna * On a pirate ship captured by Cuba Gooding Jr. * While in a hot tub with Kate and O.J. Simpson the latter tried to murder a Native American woman who looked like Nicole Simpson * Witnessed R. Kelly murder a man * Mickey Rourke was pushing kids off a cliff to their death * Kevin Spacey was murdering people by force-feeding them Comet cleanser * Frank Sinatra sponsored a euthanasia bus that killed its terminal passengers by crashing into a wall
Rando Calrissian
Drove Speed Racer’s car, the Mach 5 * Visited a place where everyone had a pet glow-in-the-dark dinosaur * Watched a Canadian reality show of people getting fired * I accidentally ate burgers and chicken sandwiches as a vegetarian * Attacked by leeches * Rode a giant rodent as part of an escape route of a city post-apocalypse * Ran from the Hulk, afraid for my life * Had my feet sawed off * In a gun fight over the nature vs. nurture debate * Flew a helicopter in a live action video game * Selected to go to the moon * Nearly killed by a crashing USS Enterprise * Rescued from a large dragon by the animated Pete’s Dragon * Asked Stephen Glass why he committed all that journalism fraud * Was the size of a small GI Joe doll, being killed along with others by being thrown off a cliff that was just a bed, but deadly for someone our size * I successfully predicted [in real life] the outcomes of two college basketball games * [I predicted a real life girlfriend break-up with dreams in which] I survived both a tsunami and a roller coaster * [Days before a real life unexpected job firing, I have a dream in which] I peeled off big sections of my own skin, tearing them away but with no pain * Lived in a dystopia in which “Nestlé owns half the world” * As tsunamis flooded Earth I was selected as crew for a mission to find another planet for humans to inhabit * I argued with my fellow future apocalypse survivors against destroying Earth, which couldn’t support human life anymore but was populated by creatures that looked like Ewoks * Joined friends in traveling through time and stealing things, on the one condition that I could run the length of a marathon through various times * I was a werewolf and hurt someone, but escaped by jumping off the top floor of the building * We reached a point in the Covid pandemic where people themselves were replicating like a virus and I was in a small a room filled with David Allans from the pandemic multiverse, some wearing masks, others not, coming from times or timelines where things were worse or better * Picked out furniture for God
Rando Calrissian, Celebrity Edition
On the run with Indiana Jones * Beat LL Cool J in a rap battle * Wrestled Tim Robbins * Beat a drunk John Voight at arm wrestling * In a volleyball tournament with Hugh Laurie * Patton Oswalt and I competed in a running race * Bradley Cooper was also being competitive with me, while on vacation together * Keanu Reeves and I competed in a sport involving shopping in a grocery store using crutches * Beat Tom Cruise … at a game we called “war” * I tried to save Sydney Poitier’s life * Performed CPR on Charlton Heston when he went into cardiac arrest at a pool * Samuel L. Jackson and I kicked some guys’ asses * I pissed off Tommy Lee Jones * Went camping in Alaska with characters from the TV show “Northern Exposure” * Wrote to Rob Morrow about liking a show he was on * Wrote a story about how David Letterman was the cynical voice of Gen X * Gabriel Byrne was the pilot of a plane I was trying to board * Went to party with Angelina Jolie and Nick Cage, who yodeled in the party’s talent show * Attended a royal ceremony for Queen Elizabeth, along with Hugh Grant * Attended a birthday party cohosted by Ellen DeGeneres * I did good Peter Falk impression * Traded Hunter S. Thompson impressions with John Malkovich * Rescued a homeless Timothy Hutton * Got career advice from Joseph Campbell * Martin Scorsese was fishing for a compliment from me * Sat in an Orthodox rabbi’s seat but the rabbi was actually Meryl Streep * Sarah Silverman was my therapist * Helped at the cell phone store by employees Rob Lowe and Jason Bateman; Will Arnett was there too * Tried to stop Johnny Depp from scamming Meryl Streep * Attended a banjo performance starring John Lithgow and Luke and Owen Wilson * Saw Bob Dylan busk, in Germany * Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell made out together, in my bed * On a double date with Kate at the Playboy Mansion, along with Hugh Hefner and his date * Aimee Mann gave me a blow job * On a scavenger hunt in my own bedroom with David Lynch * Neil DeGrasse Tyson helped old people off buses while I just watched * Helped Harrison Ford get into his apartment after he lost his key * Alec Baldwin lectured me about porn and Catholic guilt * Considered renting an apartment outside Paris, from Robert De Niro * Our pet, E.T., was unwell * Brian Dennehy was our new babysitter * Accidentally had the flip phone belonging to NPR correspondent Sylvia Poggioli * Met Dr. Seuss, who was a woman, in the 1960s * Tried to sneak into a mall, the entrance guarded by King Friday of “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” * Attended a wedding in which Paul Rudd was the officiant * Asked Ed McMahon about a rule to a game I was playing and that he invented * Claire Danes was dating my cousin Robert * John Oliver taught me, Alice and Harriet how to drive stick shift * Introduced my daughter Alice to Paul Newman * Watched Jennifer Garner fall off a tight rope and die * Told Terry Garr she was the Bernie (although I said “Abraham”) Madoff of comedy “because she steals so many laughs from costars” * Liev Schreiber put his head on my lap, like a pillow; he asked for permission but didn’t wait for an answer * Jason Sudekis worked with me at CNN to help pay for care for his special needs daughter, who lived at Jeff Zucker’s house * Kirsten Dunst and my Mom were close friends and regularly went to the theater together * I ditched Taylor Swift (in blackface) so that I could get dinner with Lorne Michaels and Robert DeNiro, but then they ditched me to have dinner with my Mom. MOM!!
